trying to cope

[emptyblankets]

The woman who gave me the massage thought she really hust me because I was crying. I just couldn’t help it. She then let me lay in the room for half hour and I just cried. I had lots of bouts of crying since it happened and they were all so painful. It was almost like I didn’t want to let go of the feeling and the anguish over my baby Julian. However This time the cry was more of a release and a healing cry if that make sense.
I know I have said this so many times but I thank God for Mumstown for you all have been my life line…………………Thank you xx

[Jedt]

If you feel like crying, let it out. its a good release and is part of the healing process. Acupuncture can do that to you as well, I cried after my first acu session and then I had a great sleep afterwards. whatever works for you, do it.

so glad you are getting some support on Mumstown, there are lots of us who have been through painful losses and its really helpful that you can come on here and know others really understand how you are feeling……especially on days when you think you’re going mad from grief, we have been there and know you’re not going mad, you’re a mum who is grieving and its really hard coming to terms with your loss.

This time last year we had 3 children and were really happy with our lot. Then, our surprise pregnancy came along and just as we were getting all excited about a 4th baby, we lost the baby. Afterwards, we were devastated but I was not sure if we would have another baby, we had not planned that baby and it seemed silly to want to try again when the one we lost had not been planned.

Also, I did not want the reason we were trying to be because we had lost a baby but as the months went by I felt like I had a hole in me and I really wanted to try again. We started trying but my body was not ready, so after some massages and lots of acupuncture and taking some time for myself, my cycle settled down and, we were delighted to discover I was pregnant late last year.

After a loss we can be very impatient but try to relax and take some time for yourself to get your body back in to a good cycle and then, hopefully, it will happen for you too.

Take care and if you are free to come to the get togethers at the start of the month, might see you there for a chat and a cuppa. xx

[Fabienne]

Glad to read your post.
A day at the time.
Cry when you need, and little by little you’ll have more good days than bad days.

Take care,
Fabienne

[emptyblankets]

Hi everyone,
I have had more good days than bad since my last post. Now I feel anxious when I think of my due date (was May 10th). I was sitting in our little church yesterday thinking about my eldest son’ communion on May 22. When I was pregnant I was thinking "how will I manage a house party and the baby being so small". I pictured all of us sitting together and the baby in a car seat. I can feel the anguish starting all over again.
I’ve started a circuit class twice a week and I go walking most days. I’m not a runner or a fast walker but it feels good to get outside and clear my head.

[emptyblankets]

The closer I get to Julians Due Date the worse I feel. I watch my kids play and wonder what Julian would have looked like. I find myself with a mixture of being mad and sad at the same time. God how I wish it never happened, I wish I was still pregnant and massive. I wish I could get excited about my sister having her baby soon without feeling so sad after we talk. Another family member who had a mc around the same time as I did is now pregnant again. I am happy for her but I wonder if it will ever happen for me again.
These days I really don’t feel like being around people. I stay home, I guess so I can be sad and mad and cry if I want. I know I’ve got myself into a rut now and I don’t really want out of it to be honest.
Nobody mentions Julian anymore but I cry as hard today as I did the day it happened.

[Maria30]

Emptyblankets,

Its only natural to feel down the closer you get to Julians due date. I think it brings all the emotions to the surface again. It is especially hard when somebody in the family is pregnant and you want to be happy for them but cant help feeling a bit envious.

Have you tried bereavement counselling? It might help you to deal with Julians death. I think sometimes people dont want to talk about your loss for fear of upsetting you. They may not realise that by not talking about Julian they are upsetting you.

I have done the whole hiding away from everybody as I suffer from depression so go through bouts of not waiting to see, hear or talk to anybodybut to be honest it doesnt really help. It usually manages to make me feel worse. Do try to get out of the house even if its just into the garden for a little while or a small walk, it can be hard when you are feeling low but if you take it bit by bit it will help.

Keep talking about Julian. There are loads of us here that are willing to listen and to be your shoulder to cry even if it is through cyber space.

Be kind to yourself x x x

[Jedt]

Emptyblankets, so sorry you are feeling this way. Its hard coming up to the due date, I used to fret about it too so I understand how you are feeling.

Do you think it might help to get out of the house for a bit? If you feel up to it, maybe come along to one of the Mumstown events next week? there is one in Drogheda on Tuesday morning at Bagel Bar, Laurence Town Centre and Dundalk on Thursday morning at Bagel Bar, Marshes.

There are lots of mums who come to these events who have been through miscarriage and were devastated about their losses too; so you’ll be with people who understand if you feel like talking. If you just want to come and not talk about it thats ok too, whatever helps you. Just want you to know you are not alone and lots of us understand how awful it is and can offer you a shoulder to cry on.

See how you feel Tuesday or Thursday morning; sounds like you need some moral support and there is plenty of that at the get togethers.

The main thing is to keep talking, whether its on here or with someone; please don’t bottle it all up, that does not help.

Have you contacted The Miscarriage association of Ireland? They are very helpful and have a support phone number you can call for a chat – everyone associated with the MAI has been through a loss, so they really know how it feels and they make good listeners. see http://www.miscarriage.ie

Would be nice to see you if you feel up to it.

Take care. xx

[Jedt]

also, are you trying to conceive? if you are, maybe some acupuncture or massage might help you. You need to heal yourself by talking about how you feel and taking some time to do some nice things for yourself and both those can help heal your body.

I found acupuncture very helpful after our miscarriage last year – and it was because of a mum on here who had also been through a miscarriage and recommended it to me – that I tried it. I would never have gone without such a strong recommendation from another mum coping with a loss, she said it helped her alot so I gave it a try too and it really did make a huge difference to me.

I cried my eyes out after my first session and then I slept like a log that night and within a few weeks after a few sessions, my cycle returned to normal.

Might be worth a try for you too. It has helped lots of us who have been through losses.

xx

[Moonflower]

Hi Emptyblankets,

so sorry to hear you are finding things so tough at moment but completely understandable and noone would blame you for feeling this way.

I stumbled across a site the other day called gonetoosoon.org..its a site where you can add a online memorial to a loved one and there is a special section for babies….it may help for you keep keep Julians memory alive and some mums keep blogs on there and talk to their babies via them and also relatives can leave messages…so you could mention to your relatives about it and they can post their feelings and messages to Julian…..

moonflower xx

[Jedt]

Nice idea Moonflower, there are some suggestions for way to remember your baby on the Irish Miscarriage website too, here is the link for that one: http://www.miscarriage.ie/rembaby.html

We planted a tree for our first baby we lost and as I am looking out the window now, it is budding.

For our second baby we lost, I got a piece of remembrance jewellery from The Jewellery Tree, its is so special to me when I wear it.

Whatever makes us feel better.

[soccermum]

Emptyblankets, I have read your post but never felt i had anything to contribute. But I do feel your pain. I lost twins at 12wks in October and it is now fast approaching my due date too. For weeks I have felt great but yesterday had a shaky day because a close friend of my husband’s wife is duetwins two days before I should have been due and we met them out buying a new buggy. Although I managed to be polite and not cry, I felt so empty when we got back to the car. We will never forget what happened but I keep telling myself "what doesnt kill us make us stronger". I also bought a something special to remind me of my babies, I got glass angels holding a tea light candle ( they come in pink blue and white glass). I now light these candles on days of special importance like family birthdays and now on Sunday for Mothers Day but also on my shaky days. But take some comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Take care.

[emptyblankets]

Thanks again everyone for your kind supportive words. As it was mothers day yesterday and dh was away I made sure I filled up the whole day away from the house with my 3 little boys. Mass, breakfast, shop, visiting,playground the graveyard (or stone garden as my 3yr old calls it). We had nuggets followed by choc cake and biscuits. All in all we had a great day and I kinda did whatever the kids wanted (well, except mass). I just couldn’t come home without going to Julians grave.
I have to say, The worst feeling in the world is going to your babys grave any day but especially on Mothers Day.
I will see how I am on Thurs and if I can get away for a meeting. I think I am due a day out to myself…………………
Thanks again everyone, x

[emptyblankets]

My sister had a beautiful baby boy 2weeks ago. It was really bitter sweet as we were due around the same time. I got to hold him and kiss his little head. I was ok while at my sisters house but driving that night on a lonely dark bog road I lost it!!! I am happy for my sister but so angry that I can’t hold my beautiful little boy Julian.
The 10th (due date) was really hard as I tried to be "normal" for the kids and crying when ever I got a chance. DH didn’t mention anything and that made me angry. He didn’t know what to say.
I went to find some little thing for the grave and while looking around in this gift shop I heard some women talking. As I got closer, holding a little butterfly for the grave I noticed that not 1 but 3 pregnant women talking at the counter. I felt so empty and another wave of sadness came crashing down on my. I put the butterfly down and walked out. I am so aware of pregnant women and newborns now and they are every where I go!
My sanity……………..walking, writing in my journal and reading. Just finished "Heaven is For Real" which is amazing and "Angels in my hair" which I didn’t want it to end it was so good.
We also got a new puppy and it makes me so happy to see my 3 boys just loving him up.
I have my sons communion on Sunday so I will be busy all week getting ready for a family party at home.
xx

[Jedt]

The puppy and communion are good distractions, that will hopefully bring lots of joy to your family.

Due dates are very hard, its natural to feel very down that day and its ok to feel sad about missing your baby when you hold someone elses too. I remember my friend had a baby soon after we lost our first baby and while I was genuinely delighted for her and loved seeing her and holding her little boy, I felt so empty and sad going home, knowing we had lost our baby and would not get to hold him/her ever.

We have the anniversary of when we lost our baby coming up in a few weeks and that’s going to be a tough day. Its hard going but leaning on friends & family can help. You have to let them know how you are feeling and ask for support when you need it. Your husband may not have known what to say to you and may have thought it kinder not to say anything so as not to upset you – but if you can find a way to talk to him and tell him how you are feeling that might help.

Hope things start looking up for you soon. Take care.

[angelay]

This is such a very sad story for every mom.. I’m soon to be a mom so I know how it will really feel to lose your baby..But I know your baby is with God right now..

[Author]

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