trying to cope

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 75 total)
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  • #108766
    libby1
    Participant

    I sit here and read all your moving stories.. Tears are tripping me….
    I cann’t comment – i have no experience on "What you’s are all going through?"
    The only way i can contribute is by reading..

    I wish i could give you all hug..
    I have some close friends who experience this and i have listened..

    I wish i was as strong as you all… My only experience of death was when my Mother died 10 years i still grieve for her…. Its heart breaking…

    #108775
    Taylor5
    Member

    Emptyblankets when i had my mc my mum told me she had one a good few weeks into her pregnancy, like that she was told to get on with it…. she was up here with me and we cried and she said "i’d often wanted to cry ( she did in private) but if in front of anyone she was told to cope on and get on with looking after her other kids
    She went to a mc mass for the frist time in the 40 years since her mc, she layed down a flower on the alter, it was to be offered up for the souls of the lost babies…… 4 of her lifelong friends all in their 70’s took a flower to the mass that morning.
    They never knew that they all had mc’s 😯 Mam said they since sit and talk about how lucky the women of today get treated when they lose a baby
    Maybe it a good thing for your mam, i think women of that generation do be crying out to share their grief that has been bottled up for decades

    #108776
    Maria30
    Member

    Emptyblankets,

    I know how hard it is to contact a counsellor and its also a very brave thing to do too. If you dont hear from her tomorrow maybe contact your gp and see if they can give you another number. If your in Drogheda then the Acorn Centre on Wellington Quay offer counselling and they might be able to help you.

    Maybe your Mam thinks by doing the cleaning that she is taking some of the pressure and stress of you as its one less thing for you to worry about. I m sure the loss of your Julian has brought back so many emotions for her too as she remembers the baby she lost. I m so glad that times have changed and that you got precious time with Julian.

    #108781
    Moonflower
    Member

    ahh..reading of your mumssadness also bought a tear to my eye..its so true in their day no1 talked of mc or even stillbirth it was a very taboo & when i think of the unacknowledged sadness of the women in those days it makes my heart hurt for them…hoping you & your mum can now help each other to heal & also that for your mum she knows its ok that she doesnt have to forget her baby..

    good luck with the counseling..yes keep ringing the number & hopefully you will get an appointment soon.

    xx

    #108788
    Fabienne
    Member

    I’m in tears.
    Yes we are lucky that we can talk and be sad about our losses.

    Fabienne

    #108811

    My mind is in such turmoil. Today my husband canceled an app for vasectomy. We had talked about it while I was pregnant and I agreed with him about getting it done………..just asked him to wait till the baby was born. Since I lost Julian I was at least relieved that he didn’t have it done. But after he canceled today he tells me he really wants it done but we will put it on hold for a while. I want another baby and he thinks we should quit while we are ahead. He is worried that something will happen to me if I get pregnant again………………

    #108813
    Taylor5
    Member

    Ah thats so understandable, he is looking at you and how your feeling and trying to figure would you cope if something happened again, after the birth of my first child my Dh point blank said he wanted no more kids…. after 2 years of fighting about trying for another child, he came out with "i cant see you go through that again, i thought you were going to died!"
    They are strange how they deal with things, appointment is cancelled, just give both of you a few weeks….. let things settle and emotions not so raw…… they do the stranges things for our benefit

    #108822
    Jedt
    Keymaster

    can you both take some time to think about it for a while?

    Maybe ask him to wait a while before you discuss it again, explain that is a life changing decision to make and a big one so soon after what you have been through and you are not ready. Thats understandable.

    We talked about this about two years ago and my hubby was going to get it done as we thought we were done with our 3 LO’s but then, surprise surprise, we found out I was pregnant and thought number 4 was on the way. Sadly we lost our baby and instead of him going ahead with it, we shelved the idea of the vasectomy for a while after we lost our baby, we may talk about it again this year but we were not ready to make such a final decision after our loss last year.

    Its tough to go again after a miscarriage – and for you, to lose your baby so far along is really devastating – it is heartbreaking and your husband is bound to be nervous. he is probably thinking in his head he is protecting you by wanting to go ahead with it.

    See if you can shelve the idea for a while until you both have had some time to come to terms with Julian’s passing. So sorry you are having to deal with so much. hope you’re getting lots of hugs off your other little ones.

    take care. xx

    #108837
    rossylisa
    Member

    Only reading all this now.
    Emptyblankets, my heart goes out to you, Im so sorry for your loss im am in floods of tears reading this 😥 Please keep tlking to people about Julian.It will get easier with time ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))
    I had an ectopic pregnancy a few years ago.

    #108854
    Taylor5
    Member

    Only reading all this now.
    Emptyblankets, my heart goes out to you, Im so sorry for your loss im am in floods of tears reading this 😥 Please keep tlking to people about Julian.It will get easier with time ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))
    I had an ectopic pregnancy a few years ago.

    I remember that Rossylisa and look now you have your lovely ds….

    #108889

    Well we talked and agreed to leave it for a while before we broach the subject again. I think my husband thinks I’m going to be "cured" by this counselor (that still hasn’t called me back!). I had a good think for myself and decided he wanted to get this done out of love for me really. He IS worried and I understand this now.
    Today I got my first Period after mc. I have really bad cramps and I’m expecting it to be bad. To me it’s a reminder of it all and it makes me sad.
    Had a nice time with my mum yesterday. We scrubbed and cleaned. We took loads of coffee breaks and talked really all day. I took her to Julians grave and although my heart was breaking again it was a little easier because she was with me.

    #108895
    chickpea
    Member

    hi empty blankets
    some one had mentioned your story to me and ive just found it now…

    you are so brave and strong..my heart breakd for you and your family..its a terrible thing to have happened to you..my thoughts and prayers are with you all and i hope you will get some peace soon…just so you can go on..im sure your 3 little angels are what keeps you going..and julian will alwaysbe looking down on you and your family…

    time is a greathealer and i know it will take a great deal of time for you to feel in some way normal and get some normality back into your life…but writing is a great way of getting things out of your system and i hope you continue to write your feelings down..i think chewie said to write to your dh even if your not going to give it to him…

    your so strong and i really admire your strenght…your in my thoughts..

    xxx

    #109815

    I know I haven’t posted for a while and I’ve just read all the replies. Since my last post I kind of closed up and shut myself down. I thought once I got to a day that was "normal" I would stay that way by not upsetting myself or talking about the mc. I Had relatives visiting from Amer and I was preparing myself for them. I had my "american mom" and her twin sister stay with us for 4 days. Day one was ok as they brought presents to the kids and spent most of the time doting on them.
    I had everything under control, especially myself as I busied myself cooking lovely dinners, getting nice wine as well as my normal mommy duties.
    THEN……the wierdest question I’ve been asked since the mc was asked by my amer moms twin…………."Did you get milk in your breasts after you had the mc"???? What???? This is how they wanted to broach the whole topic? I didn’t know what to say…………Just said No to end it. Then I got to hear about every one of their babies, how much milk they had, how big they were…………etc. This sent my mind back into termoil. I found myself just closing up again, blocking them out and getting mad all over. I used to go outside and stand in the rain and letting the wind blow my around trying to clear my head. I cried when I got a chance…………alone. Good God these women were in constant competition with each other, trying to get the one up on each other for 3 days solid! Then they invited me to go to Ashford Castle with them and my Amer Dad for a couple of days. NO WAY!!!! I thought to myself, another 2 days of torture!!!! Then I found out I would have my own room, that they have a spa there and we were meeting my mother and sisters from Mayo there for a big dinner. I decided last minute to go. I had a really hard time leaving my 3 kids and husband. I knew I wasn’t going to be the best of company and I didn’t want to ruin their trip.
    My advice to anyone when offered some R and R time away is TAKE IT!
    I am so happy my husband really pushed me out the door with them. I had a day alone at the spa, got a massage for an hour. It was the best thing ever…………I could physically feel pain leave my body. I felt so relaxed and I of course cried but I felt like it was all a release of bad energy and pain out of my body. I was in the sauna, a steam room and Jacuzzi each morning. I went for long walks around the castle taking pictures (which I love to do). We had the big family dinner there and I enjoyed it so much I even sang a song…………….yes I sang " A song for Ireland". I used to love singing and did it for the yanks!
    I really feel a little lighter and "normal" now. My Amer family have returned to the States and My little boys and husband got a happier "normal" mommy back.

    #109819
    Moonflower
    Member

    So glad to hear you have found a way for the world to smile at you again…of course you will still be up & down for long long time but lovely to read at moment you have found some comfort…

    Why people say such insensitive things is hard to understand but it has to be due to lack of understanding and not knowing what to say & they end up saying completely wrong thing….

    Someone who has just suffered just a terrible loss of their baby does not want to or need to hear about other peoples baby stories, birth annoucements or pregnancy annoucements….you did so well coping with that overload of insensitivity.

    sending you love & healing thoughts xxx

    #109812
    Jedt
    Keymaster

    people can be so insensitive, it can be so painful and upsetting but generally they don’t mean to be cruel. I think they feel uncomfortable talking about the subject and go off in weird tangents.

    Sorry they upset you but very glad you got away for some time to yourself.

    I balled my eyes out after a massage after our mc last year, its like you are releasing some of the tension and the tears come with it.

    So good to hear you are feeling bit better after some rest. take care and take it a day at a time, you’ll get there and if you have a dark day try to let it out somehow, this is a good place to vent and you know there are people who understand andwill offer advice & support.

    Mind yourself. xx

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