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So sorry, Sabbi. I’ll not try to give advice, just tell you what happened to us.
My grandmother died in June. The boys were 5, 3 and 1. She was very elderly (103), but a huge part of our extended family. I’d been telling the boys for a long time that she was really, really old and that when people get really, really old they kind of run out of energy (talk of batteries came up) & that that was ok. They wanted to know what happened next & I told them about funerals & souls going to heaven & bodies going into the ground.
I told them that Granny would be happy in heaven with Holy God & that she would be able to see them & hear them if they talked to her or told her about a problem & she would try and help them, but they wouldn’t be able to hear her voice anymore.
I told them that if they were sad & told her, she would try and cheer them up & they should look & listen carefully in case she was trying to show them pretty flowers or hear a bird singing because that was how they would know she had heard them.
They came to the funeral. DS1 came to the funeral home (the other two were asleep in th car) & kissed her goodbye & told her he loved her & then asked the funeral director how he had got her into the box!
I had a few emotional moments – even though the idea of her passing was not new to me – & they noticed every time my voice wobbled or eyes filled with tears & tried to comfort me. The three year old asked was I ‘talking funny’ because I was lonely & the five year old told me not to be sad because heaven was a lovely place & that Old Granny was back with grandad and her mummy and daddy.
In the cemetary, they nearly gave me several coronaries – they hung off a neighbouring gravestone, fascinated by the mechanics of getting the coffin into the ground & asking questions by the dozen.
At one point on the journey from Dundalk to Mayo, DS1 explained to DS2 (in a very matter of fact fashion) that Old Granny’s batteries had run out and that her soul was gone to heaven & we’d put her body in a box in the graveyard and then have a party & ice-cream.
I was lucky, I suppose, that their first experience of death was not a shock. Gran’s death was not unexpected & the funeral was a real celebration of a full life. It was the end of an era, but her funeral was not traumatic. (DS1 had already seem her on oxygen etc after a heart attack)
There is nothing wrong with children seeing grief & knowing about death in my view, as long as we can put it in a context.
Don’t know if any of this any use to you, Sabbi. Sorry again at your loss
Kids are amazing, even when its a terrible time they come out with some mad things and create moments of such humour. This morning our 7 year old asked if I can get her a black veil for the funeral!!
Mental but funny. Kind of feels wrong to laugh today but I guess with all the tears, a few laughs can only be a good thing.
So sorry to hear this Sabbi.
I think your kids will be fine..keep a good eye on Dave more so as I know men find it harder than they let on.
Laugh where you can and whenever you can.. its important x
just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts at this very sad time.You are a very strong & close family so i am sure you will all be there to support one another in the coming days, weeks & months x
We had the funeral yesterday and we got through it together as a family and thankfully, it went really well. It was very sad and there were lots of tears shed but also, there were a lot of laughs. He was a huge character and there are so many great stories about him and we all got comfort from sharing them with each other.
Our children (thank goodness) behaved impeccably for the mass and when the final curtain closed in the crematorium, our 5 year old said aloud ‘Goodbye Grandad’ and everyone heard her and it brought a smile to all our faces. The innocence of children is a thing to behold at a sad time and they gave us all a little sunshine on a dark day.
My husband did a beautiful job of delivering a heartfelt and moving eulogy and we were all so proud of him. I don’t think I have ever loved him more than when I saw him do that yesterday, it took such strength and courage for him to get through it and say all those wonderful things about his Dad who he was so close to and adored. He wrote such lovely words about his Dad and even though he was holding our baby girl in his arms with him on the altar (she refused to be put down or go to anyone else in the church!), he spoke it so eloquently.
Because I do alot of writing, I was asked to write some prayers for the prayers of the faithful. I wrote two about his family, children, grandchildren & friends and when I went to read them, I became a blubbering mess. I took a deep breath and manged to get through them in the end – only barely though! I got some good ribbing about that yesterday. It seems you can stick me in front of a TV camera or on the radio and l’ll be grand but on that altar yesterday, I seriously struggled. I guess its just because I know how much we are going to miss him and it really hit me when l looked out and saw all the family there, all looking devastated too.
We are all exhausted today so going to take it easy for a few days and try to get over the tiredness before we can try to get life back to a normal routine next week.
thanks for all your support, it really helps at times like this. I’ll be hugging anyone I see from Mumstown over the coming weeks, so be prepared. 🙁 xxx
Hi Sabbi,
So sorry to hear about your father-in-law.
I will definitely give you a big hug when I see you next.
Mind yourself
Be strong xx
Been thinking about you guys so much….
It is always such a tough time for the family, but with you guys rallying around each other, you’ll find comfort together…I’m going to be the one who turns around and says "Don’t feel that you have to be strong"…
Sometimes we are so busy being strong for everyone else that we forget to take the time ourselves to deal with our emotions… and eventually when you’ve put them on the back-burner for so long, something happens to make you crack… and things can be harder to deal with…
So, I’m going to say… be good to yourselves… be kind to yourselves… and be gentle with each other!All my love..x
Sabbi im so sorry for your loss… please pass my regards on to Dave.
My Uncle was burried today, he was a small man with a huge personality. All his Grandchildren young and old were pride of place in the front row of the church.
Even though there were tears, he was my Dads last surviving Brother and to hear the list of the names of the family who have passed on was very sad!
But on the up side it was the same priest who is a friend of the family, he did my dads funeral. Some of the stories he came out with were just classic… my niece was crying with Laughter, she said it was like going to a stand up.
He told how my Uncle and himself as a young priest went out on their big motor bikes and picked up women! 😆 😆 😆 He said he liked fast women and fast bikes 😯
He also said how people still ask "why do you still drive a 650 bike at almost 70?" His reply was "well i try put the fear of God into people everyday from the Alter, it doesnt work, so i go out on my bike and put the fear of God into myself" 😆 😆 😆Hope you hanging in there ok. Think harder for adults sometimes to come to terms with death – kids can just be more accepting of the nature of things… Be kind to yourselves at this difficult time
The priest who said the funeral mass was my father-in-laws brother so it was very difficult for him but he made it really special and personal.
The kids are doing ok although our 5 year old said she had a little cry in school today and her teacher gave her a hug. Her teacher is a dote, she is really sweet and I am glad she is the one my 5 year old has, as I knew she would look out for her today on their first day back.
Its weird here today, its kind of surreal like it didn’t really happen but I guess in the coming weeks it will really sink in. Its just so sad and still hard to take in. When its sudden its very hard to believe its for real.
Lots of hugs and loves in this house at the moment so thats keeping us all going.
Now, if someone was baking a batch lemingtons at some stage soon and wanted to send a few over – that would really cheer us all up (that’s you chewie!!!) 😆 If we cannot be cheeky now, when can we??
Thanks again everyone, its amazing how much your support helps. It really really does. xxx
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