trying to cope

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    Hi there,
    I am new to this but I am so happy I found a place where I don’t feel so alone in my sorrow. I have three beautiful boys. we just moved back home from the states in July. Because the last c-sec was complicated mostly by a lot of scar tissue we kind of agreed three was enough. July and August were very busy, unloading, unpacking, enrolling kids in school (2), waiting for medical cards……etc. September came but my period did not. I was pregnant!!! It took me 2 weeks to tell my husband because it wasn’t part of the plan. His reaction surprised me, he was happy and said "it was just meant to be, maybe this is a girl"! A baby is always good news so we told everyone. I was 12 weeks ( I thought) when I had my app with consultant. They told me I was more like 16. I had a horrible experience with that consultant and decided to change. Now three weeks before christmas I called to get an app. I wanted to see my baby and hear the heart beat. I couldnt get an app. The day before Christmas eve I cleaned the whole house and cooked food. I was getting ready for Christmas. That eve I got a pain/cramp around my back. I felt like I needed to sit. I felt so lousy that I lay on the bed exhausted from a long days work. I went to the toilet and there was some spotting. To put our minds at ease Isuggested we go to the hospital and get checked out. Even though I was in pain I was excited that I was going to see my baby and hear the heartbeat. Because I was now 20 weeks I was taken to maternity for a scan. My husband was invited in to see his baby too. The scan was not clear and the nurses said it was an older machine. We were then taken to a new machine. I laid down and the nurses had asked the doc on call to come in. I was so excited to see my baby on the screen. My husband sitting at the bottom of the bed looked relieved. Then my eyes moved to the doctors eyes then to the nurses. There was something wrong. They weren’t blinking or saying anything. Their eyes were searching. What was wrong??? Then the words I will never forget …"I’m sorry Mary…….we can’t find the heartbeat" …………….I begged them to do another scan and try again. At this time my husband was holding my hand. My baby was dead. I was sobbing out of control. "3 weeks I tried to get an app!!! 3 weeks! Now I got one and my baby is dead!!! I NEVER got to hear my babys heartbeat. I was checked in that night and at 3am started to bleed along with pains. I had never gone thru labor before but I knew these pains were more than cramps. I held onto my belly and cried that I just wanted to hold on. I wasn’t ready to let go…….
    At 2pm on Christmas eve I gave birth to our little angel boy Julian. It was the worst thing I ever went through. I held him after and just told him "i’m sorry over and over. I could hear all the newborns around me cry but my baby was dead. How could this happen!!!! why did God take my baby.
    As we were leaving the hospital a large crowd gathered in the lobby singing Christmas carols as they placed the baby Jesus in the crib. I was angry and felt lost, empty and broken. I glared at the statue of the blessed virgin and said" I know your baby saved the world but I wanted my baby just as much". ……………………..
    sorry this post was so long…………I’m an emotional wreck today.



    So glad you spoke to your dh about how you are feeling. I can only imagine how hard that was. I went to counselling for PND and found it great. It was nice to talk to somebody who didnt know the other people in my life and didnt judge me for what I was saying.

    Hope you get some comfort from your counselling. It can be hard and upsetting but its also good to talk to a third party.


    OMG im in floods of tears reading your post…. the sadness and loss in your post is very very moving.
    Its a terrible thing to happen and no words from anyone will make you feel any better.
    You sound like you have 3 beautiful boys and a loving husband, also your own little angel looking over you, take your time and get what help you can from your gp.
    For what its worth i had a mc 3 years ago at 10 weeks, i never got to hear the heartbeat either, in the long run i think it helped me having never gotten to see her or hear her heart beat

    Mind yourself and you will have many many low days, but there is always someone on here to support xxxxxx


    That is very moving.

    Lots of girls on here will help and support. PM Sabbi who is brilliant on this subject, she will give u lots of areas to look into for support.

    So soory for your loss x


    I don’t have words…. I can just feel your pain through yours…
    just perhaps a virtual hug? 🙁
    So so sorry for your loss hun…..x


    so sorryt o hear bout your loss, not words i can type will comfort you, but you are in my thoughts and prayers….

    like hjs said there are other girls here who understand what it is you are going through, how you are feeling right now and they can lend some support…

    thinking of you through this tough time..xx


    oh emptyblankets, even your user name is heart breaking.

    I am so so sorry you had to go through such a horrific experience and that the level of care you received was not what it should have been.

    It is so upsetting to lose a baby and after 3 healthy boys, I’ll bet it came as an almighty shock. You are probablystill in shock and it is very hard to accept your loss when you feel this way. You’ve had a very traumatic experience and it will take time for you to get back to some sort of normality again. Don’t worry if you have days where you cry or feel down, thats normal and you are not alone, many of us have also felt that way after a loss.

    If you feel like you really are not coping, please talk to a professional. The Miscarriage Association of Ireland ( are wonderful and provide support & advice over the phone and at support meetings. Also, if you are feeling fraught (which is to be expected right now) your GP can help give you something to relax you or to help you sleep, if you are having problems at night. It helps just knowing you have something there if you need it.

    I kind of understand how you feel. We have 3 children and thought we were done; we were both working and up to our eyes with our busy life when all of a sudden, we found out I was pregnant. I remember doing the test upstairs and laughing & crying at the same time, it was such a surprise. My hubby was great straight away, and we joked it was meant to be. We laughed about having 4 children and soon, we were really excited about it.

    8 weeks in we had a scan, as we had had an mc previously and there was no heartbeat. They said dates could be wrong so we went home and waited for excruciating 2 weeks but when we went back, it was bad news, our baby had not grown at all and a miscarriage was inevitable.

    A week later, still no sign of a miscarriage so a D&C was scheduled. I remember being wheeled in and thinking, why did we have the surprise of getting pregnant only for it to be taken away from us? I caught an infection after the D&C and ended up in isolation for 3 days – which meant I was unable to see or hug my 3 children. It was a devastating time for me and I was very very down afterwards.

    I felt like I could not cope. I was not sleeping. I had no appetite. I had a very short fuse and sometimes snapped at my children and they were so confused, they did not know why I was acting this way.

    I spoke with the miscarriage association and they were very supportive and I went to my GP and got some sleeping pills for a week, just to get me back into a routine of sleeping again.

    It took a few months but I eventually started to return to normal. However, every time I got my period I felt bad – it was as if it was happening all over again and last week, Jan 11th, was a dark day as that would have been our baby’s due date.

    Its not easy but I have asked for help when I felt low. I remember in the kitchen one day just crying and my husband said I should go for some acupuncture which I did and I found this very helpful. I spoke to my family about how I was feeling and that helped too.

    You are not alone, although right now you must feel devastated but please remember, when you need a shoulder, there are lots of people you can lean on, the most important thing is to ask for help. Don’t ignore the sad feelings, talk about them, even keeping a diary can help – you can write down all the feelings you have and somehow, getting it off your chest like that is very helpful.

    Hope that helps a little. Again, so sorry for your loss. Please stay in touch and let us know how you’re getting on. xx


    Thank you all for the reply and comforting words. I think I’ve been trying to be "normal" around everyone and today I feel like my world is just not right. I used to pray when going to sleep that I would wake up and all would be fine, that this was all a bad dream. I still hold my belly and I swear I thought I felt the baby moving. I know I sound so crazy but I manage to shield my kids and my husband from a lot of this.
    I don’t feel so all alone anymore,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,thank you.


    emptyblankets, I used to hold my belly for a good few weeks after we lost our baby last year. I did not do it consciously, my hand would just go there and when I remembered it was empty, I would feel so sad.

    Please talk to your husband a little and let him know how are you feeling, he probably has an idea but it would be good to share your feelings with him. Also, as a man, he probably feels like he should be looking after you and his family but inside, he may well be feeling awful too, so see how he’s doing.

    Its so hard on the dads as well. You’ve got to lean on each other and you will get through this.

    Don’t try to put a brave face on all the time, let people see if you are struggling, they will most likely be expecting it and will want to support and comfort you. Its ok to ask for help, you’ve gone through a huge upset and they will want to help you.

    take care. x


    Hi there,

    so so sorry to read your story, that must of been absolutely devastating for you discovering your baby had died 🙁

    trying to cope is all we can do so a very apt title to your post…i am over on the infertility board & recently suffered a miscarriage myself on new years eve so i can feel every one of your words as if they were my own…i have been through this before and this time my pain is less intense but i think you become numb as time goes on…last time for weeks I would wake every morning & cry because i was no longer pregnant…so if that is something that you do then that is very normal as well…to be honest it took me until my babies would of been a year old to start to feel ok again…so please allow yrself time to grieve… be honest I cannot think of anything else i can say to ease your grief as I cannot imagine what it must feel like to lose your baby at 20weeks…but all i can say is that take time you need & also reach out for help as you need it….

    thinking of you from one sad mum to another xxx


    hi emptyblankets,

    like everyone has said before, i am so sorry to hear of your loss, im sure it all so raw and sore at the moment. i have never had a miscarriage but i lost my daughter when she was 3 weeks old, we thought all along she was perfectly healthy, had the scans, 3d videos of her and no one noticed shewas severly ill and would never survive… the shock and loss is something ill never get over… i also felt my baby move inside me weeks after having her and thought i was going mad….

    you will have days of anger and confusion, i remember just wondering why?? why me, why my family and why take her?? sabbi is right in saying that people will want to help and asking for help can be hard but just let those close to u know hard u are finding it! let the tears flow and take one day at a time is how i got by…

    L x


    Thanks Sabbi and everyone again. I think I’ve talked to my husband about 3 times about the miscarriage. I hear him on the phone saying things like" oh she’s fine" and we just have to get on with it " . It just wasn’t meant to be. He always changes the conversation. He was really strong as it was happening. Tears filled his eyes after I had Julian and he did not want to see him. I was crying that I was going thru all that pain for nothing. He kept squeezing my hand and I could see the anguish in his eyes. I also saw fear. He was helpless and this was his first time seeing me in labor. I didn’t want to let go, he was telling me I had to. Then before they handed him to me he walked out saying he couldn’t see him. I guess it would have haunted him if he did and it would have haunted me if I didn’t.
    Just last week while visiting family in Mayo we talked about it while driving. He is sad……….so sad. He told me how everyday he thanks God that I’m ok. he was so afraid I would die too. He told me he hates talking to people about it, except me. I carry a little blue box with the blanket I held Julian in, the blanket that covered the tiny coffin, his name tag and a little angel. I just stopped sleeping with the receiving blanket this week. I asked him if he thought the blue box was stupid and he said no. He has looked in there himself. so he golfs and goes to football games to occupy his mind. I’m weepy these days at home trying to hide it from the little ones who are 2 and 3 and 8. I’ll go for a drive and everytime I do I end up pulling over to cry it out. I also go to the grave where Julian is buried with husbands granny but find no peace there either. There is no peace. I have read about 4 books since this happened and I find it an escape to someone else life.
    No one asks how I’m doing now , I guess they don’t want to remind me and think its best to move on. I’m stuck………………


    emptyblankets, i really do know how ur feeling, after i lost my daughter i was the exact same, everytime i was in the car for more than half an hour i would sob and sob, looking back i think it was the fact i was alone in the car and had the time to think about what had happened, i had nothing to distract me in the car, or a song would come on the radio or maybe it was just that it was the only place i could let the crying out without the fear of someone seeing or hearing me??

    my husband built a pation in the days after the babys funeral, he was out at 5am till 7 pm with my dad and that was his way of coping, only now 2 years later will he talk about her and what she would be like, initially he just kept sayin, it was for the best as she would have no quality of life… we all cope differently but do use each other for strength…

    i know sabbi and some others found ways of remembering their babies, we planted trees in our garden and bought some jewellery with the babys name and maybe birthstone so that might be something to offer you some comfort… as i said its two years since i lost my baby and i still have days where im angry, im sad, im lonely and im hurting but u do find strength in time and i hope that ur hubby and other fab kids can help u do that! in the meantime use this as a place to vent.. sometimes thats allwe need….

    sending u big hugs!!


    I cant express how sorry i am for you loss and your husbands loss, im in Floods of tears here reading it, we do take for granted that after x amount of weeks all will be well, cant begin to imagine what you have gone and going through…
    Men are funny fish when it comes to emotions, I know from some of the mums here now their husbands were but mine was very like yours, Had his golf and got stuck into the garden etc anything but face me!!!
    I had my miss in September and i broke down over the christmas and cried for hours and hours, just couldnt take the loss anymore, i had done the "im fine" thing but i was far from it. i remember dh coming in with a cup of tea and saying " i dont understand why your crying that was months ago" 😈 😈 😈 I dont know how i didnt throw the tea over him….. the loss never bothered him in a way, he was oh sure just move.
    Then when my due date came again he was "why are you upset sure arent you pregnant again!" I went mad and he talked about it for the first time, he said he was upset, but his way to cope was to just look at it like its gone and that was that 😯 😯 😯 I dont know if men can do that but for me it was far from it…. my friends were great support and they gave me the emotional support and advice. Do men find it hard to bond with a pregnancy do they need a baby to make it real? They dont go through the pregnancy as we live every second of it, both good and bad parts of pregnancy……
    I do think was Moonflower said about taking your time to Grieve is right, shout, scream, cry do what ever gets your on the road to healing your heart xxxxxx
    I agree with the car, the day i was told my baby was dead, dh took my mother and ds on the train to Balbriggian, i drove in the car from Drogheda to collect them, that song by Roybn "dont look back" came on and to this day i would shed a tear when i hear the song….. the lyrics cut through me like a hot knife through butter!!!


    i think you are doing right thing by writing down how you are feeling its a way of expression of grief that you need to do…and we are all real people on here..ready to listen & care….i find great comfort in talking to others who are going through similar to my situation and i hope you will do as well…

    keep posting and letting us know how you are feeling….you have had a completely traumatic experience and each day i am sure you will have differing emotions….you will never forget Julian..he will always be with you…we buried my nephew 18 years ago this month born at similar age to your little son & we have always kept him as part of our i am sure you will do.


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