August 11, 2012 at 2:26 pm #14897AnonymousInactive
So sad about Gary Barlow and his wife Dawn who very sadly lost their babu girl last week when she was stillborn at 38 weeks.
It is devastating to lose a baby at any stage of pregnancy but to get to the end and lose the baby then, must be absolutely awful.
Terribly sad for them, hope they can get the support they need to get through this awful time.August 11, 2012 at 4:07 pm #123730
And I have to add that the ‘trolls’ on twitter & facebook who are saying negative & hurtful things about this terrible situation, shame on them. Its appalling when people mock the severity of the loss of a baby and suggest the couple ‘deserve it’. That is so horrible and really unacceptable.
Losing a baby not only affects the immediate parents but also the siblings and aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends etc. It has a very powerful impact on the whole family and their friends and it is shocking to me how people can mock and make jokes about it.
They must not be parents to say the things they say and I hope the Barlow’s can ignore the horrible comments and focus on the support there is for them and the well wishes, which thankfully are far more plentiful.
I know what its like to be on the end of such awful treatment. When we lost our first baby a friend of ours wrote us a long email saying he was disgusted with us for writing a book about our experience. Now, I have to say, we never set out to write a book about losing our baby, it just kind of happened by accident.
(I wrote a diary about how I was feeling after our loss and my husband suggested this would be helpful for other women who had lost babies because it was written so honestly. In fairness, it was never originally meant to be read by anyone but me, which is why it is so raw and open and that’s probably why it struck a cord with others.)
So this guy, our ‘close friend’ who we had known for years basically stopped talking to us because we spoke out about how we felt when we lost our babies. He is not a parent and has never lost a child, so his opinion is not entirely valid to me because he does not know the pain of losing a child or joy of having a child and therefore, is not qualified to judge how we dealt with our loss. But he was so cruel to us in the things he said and I still feel bitter towards him now. I have not actually spoken to him since he sent that email and I think if I ran into him I might lose the head with him.
Hopefully the Barlow’s will not have too many situations of people slagging them off, they don’t need that pain on top of what they are going through.August 15, 2012 at 10:16 am #123750
Its so awful, no one really understands unless it has happened to them.
My heart aches for them and hope they can cope…especially under the horrible media glare
Visiting your babies grave is awful.
To feel the kicks and be imagining life with a new baby to then be left holding a still motionless baby truly cannot be comprehended.
It is even more devastating then as people then forget about your little one..you still feel incredibly proud of your little bundle even though they aren’t with you any more and yet they go unmentioned.
People cross the road to avoid you, they don’t talk about your little one..you even laugh and joke and appear jolly even to save others from their own awkwardness..then you feel guilty for that.
It is a horrible circle of sadness, guilt, grief, despair and each time I hear of another family going through this I can barely breathe.
You meet pregnant women everywhere full of hope and joy and excitement of having got through their ‘big" scan..and you think ..so had I …a pregnancy for us women will never ever be the same.
As each anniversary passes the pain I am sure will become even rawer..the day they should have been starting school, their communion..the list goes on.
They were here…you held their hand you saw the likeness in their faces of yourself , your partner and their siblings. Now they are gone..a baby forever.
Garys pain eminated from every pore in his body..
RIP Poppy x xAugust 15, 2012 at 1:59 pm #123751
Ah hmm, thats utterly heart breaking to read but so poignant. You have really painted a very vivid picture – I can feel the pain coming out of you for your daughter. Wish I could give you a big hug.xx
Its awful when people move on and you cannot but you know you can always talk about her on here – we will never forget and no one can cross the street to avoid you here.
I am writing an article about this today for the Indo, its sickening to me how people can be so cruel – these internet trolls are just cowardly idiots who think nothing of saying disgusting things to grieving families. we got some abuse ourselves when we wrote our book about miscarriage – some of the things people said were despicable. But we tried to focus on the good and not the bad, even though at times it can be hard to.
I hope the Barlows are getting alot of support, they will need it.August 15, 2012 at 7:23 pm #123752AnonymousInactive
HMM – I know I have never met you but we have "known" eachother on line here for over a year now.I often think of your daughter & what you have been through & I know that if i lived near you,I would talk about her with you if & when you wanted to & I would never cross the road to avoid you.
I think some people just dont know how to deal with people that have lost a child & they are scared of upsetting them by saying the wrong thing so they over compensate & avoid them instead as they think that will be less painful for the person that is in mourning.
Sabbi- I think its sad aswell that you had to go through that situation with someone that you thought was a good friend of yours,i really dont get why they said the things they did.I mean why should it bother them what you wrote in a book,it was your opinion on a situation that you lived through & you were prefectly entitled to express it any way that you wanted.
wishing you both the best,BIg Hugs xxAugust 15, 2012 at 8:16 pm #123755
Lisa from The Jewellery Tree got me on to this today, its Jason Manford’s blog where some people said really awful things about Gary Barlow so Jason named and shamed them. Not an easy read but at least he is showing them up as the idiots they are. He is a good comic but this is a serious topic and you can tell he is appalled by these trolls and is not joking about it at all- http://www.jasonmanford.com/the-gary-ba … et-idiots/
Thanks for the nice words haileysmam. x
It was horrible and quite a shock when we got that letter from our friend (and this person was a close friend, was at our wedding!) saying our book was inappropriate and that we were a disgrace for talking about our baby in public and that miscarriage should not be talked about. It was such a shock, we fell out with this person over it – after years of friendship we have not spoken since that letter. It was so hurtful and the worse thing is, we wrote the book to help other couples because there were no books like that at the time, we did it as a positive thing, we wanted something positive to come out of such sorrow and having known us for years, they should have understood that.
There is enough bad things going on in the world as it is – why can’t we all just be a bit nicer to each other. 😥August 16, 2012 at 12:44 pm #123768AnonymousInactive
Sabbi ,what Jason wrote was very interesting & thought provoking.I think he explained perfectly how much you bond in that 9 months before the baby makes an appearance & all the planning & preparation you do for this big arrival to your life. Thanks for posting the link as i wouldnt have come across it otherwise.August 16, 2012 at 12:50 pm #123769
He is a very good comic but he is also a Dad and you can tell he was really disgusted with what people said. Fair play to him for naming & shaming them – no less than they deserve.
Its easy to say things when you feel anonymous online so I am glad he showed them up as the ignorant idiots they are!!
I lost a baby at 13 weeks and another at 10 weeks and had already bonded with them and it was devastating to lose them but its even worse for parents who have gotten to the end of a pregnancy and have felt life, to lose their child. Thats really a huge loss and not to be underestimated.
Very sad.August 16, 2012 at 5:34 pm #123777
Thanks ladies xx
I had read that article by Jason over on the web site ISANDS where I would be during down times.
Yes no one can cross the road on me here!
It was pretty bad in work , I was welcomed back with open arms but no one acknowledged my little girl ..sure I try and not be too sad about it as I would probably be the same…August 17, 2012 at 3:04 pm #123781
You probably would not be the same though hmm, I think you would be a good shoulder for someone who had lost their baby – but even more so now, because once you’ve been through something like this it changes you forever and you see things differently.
It hurt me when people ignored the fact we had lost babies and even worse, when we did speak about it and were told my people we should ‘not talk about it publicly’ that was not nice at all.
It is awkward but you know what, life is awkward. When someone loses a baby, if it is early on or later on, I will ask them if they want to talk about it. Sometimes they don’t so I’ll just give them a hug and let them know I am thinking about them and if they do want to talk about it, I shut my yap and let them talk. Sometimes, all they need it to be listened to and offload what they are thinking.
I find people like to offer solutions – they say things like ‘oh you can always have another one’ or ‘at least you did not get too attached’ and while these are mad things to say and can be very upsetting, I think they’re brave to broach the subject and I would try not to get too upset about it. Its better than if they cross the street and that happened to us enough times so I can only imagine how many times it happened to you hmm.
Sending you a big virtual hug. xAugust 17, 2012 at 8:04 pm #123789YvonneMember
So upsettings for Gary Barlow and his family… RIP Poppy.
HMM, your post brought tears to my eyes…
I think it is better to acknowledge the baby and they should be.. when my friend lost her baby, I was nervous about bringing his name up, but you could see that she was happier I did and it meant alot to her..
Jason Manfords article was very good and well written.. fair play to him.
xxxxxxAugust 22, 2012 at 1:00 am #123840Taylor5Member
HMM your post had me in tears, its hard to believe the same person i met last Wednesday posted that post on the sameday, your just looked amazing! I think its an Irish thing "sure your almost one of us now" 😉 that we surpress how we really feel. I think of you often xxxx
My heart broke for Gary Barlow, for this to happen while in the public eye must be terrible. Some of the comments made on facebook and twitter are just shocking, have some people no heart at all?August 22, 2012 at 11:00 am #123847
When I read on my bereavement forum , the single most talked about topic which comes up time and time again is the sadness all the mums feel when their precious babies aren’t mentioned.
Talking about my little one does make me sad but better to be sad for a little while then to pretend they never existed.
Taylor I had a fab time at Jedward and really enjoyed myself..I still enjoy every day and every moment of my life and can feel both incredibly happy but acknowledge my sadness at the same time..I guess I am lucky in that my sadness has never consumed me and that it has just become a part of me which exists alongside everything else..hard to explain really…
I am not one for dates etc and for saying 1 month anniversary etc etc but strangely the dates I am dreading the most are the year she should have made her communion and the year she should have started school.
I will always know the school starting year as it would have been the September DD1 will be starting secondary school.
Not sure how I will be on her Birthday, the day she died..it will be Christmas time our ultimate favourite time of the year..I am determined that won’t change..it can’t its part of our family …
I planto put the Xmas tree up every year on that day and make it a celebration and as fun time as possible..we will buy her a new decoration for that day and hang it on the tree.
Actually posting this in floods of tears now thinking of those baubles/ bibs etc which say Babies first Christmas..of course last year was her first but by rights had she been born in Feb this would have been her first..
I never ever dreamt this would happen to me but you know what if I was given the chance to erase everything that happened I would say no because she is my little girl and I am proud of her everyday.
I just wish I could see her beautiful face again and spend more time looking at her ..I thank god I took photos but would love those moments back again.
As I had her baptised I was so very ill from the aneasthetic and shock that I wasnt able to function properly and that’s the one thing that haunts me everyday that I wasnt there for her in the way I should have been..i never saw her alive again.
Sorry for the essay sometimes it does me good to write , then I just brush myself down, wipe away the tears and go and clean the house and make lunch..cos life goes on and i want to be part of it.
xAugust 22, 2012 at 1:31 pm #123858munchinParticipant
Hi Hmm I have a friend who lost a little girl nearly 2 yrs ago and as you’ve said the thing she finds hard is when people don’t mention her daughter – so we do and last yr we celebrated her birthday with my friend – a hard day but she’s alot like you in that she has what she calls her sad moments and then gets on because she loves life and wants life to be good for her other daughter & her son. I love the idea of you putting up the tree on your daughters day every yr- won’t be easy but a lovely way of including her in your family Christmas. Think of you often xo
Cant believe i didn’t see either yourself or Taylor at Jedward – we were there early and not far inside the door – must have missed you both going past – unless you were both earlier than me – Dd1 really enjoyed it.August 22, 2012 at 1:39 pm #123859
We were one of the first few in Munchin and were right at the opposite side, think Taylor was upstairs..
A meet up would be good sometime..i miss those days when our little ones were small and we used to meet up..life has got so busy..
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