August 27, 2019 at 4:36 am #163887ccboobieParticipant
I’ve been reading over a lot of the posts on miscarriage and my heart is so saddened by all the honest and obviously life changing experiences that some of you have gone through.
It’s very true that miscarriage is a subject even during this day and age that is not discussed. It’s simply a case that “ it wasn’t meant to be “ . Or in my case everyone who I told about my miscarriage their first response to me was “ oh yea I know what you went through, I went through the same”. This response angered me and upset me a lot. I just thought, you have no idea what I and my husband went through, how dare you say I went though the same thing. Yes you lost a baby and everyone’s story is different and we all have our own experiences of miscarriage but don’t tell me you know what I’m going through because you have no idea.
This may sound like I’m a very angry person and I shouldn’t be like that, and yes I will agree but I lost my baby at 16 weeks in March and I am still dealing with the PTSD and Trauma that I went through during a four day long medical miscarriage in hospital.
My story started when I found out that I was pregnant the week before Christmas in 2018 . I was feeling a bit unwell during the Christmas break but put that down too eating all the Christmas food. Didn’t feel any better the week after Christmas so took a test and it was positive. I went to the GP and was told that I was 6 weeks along. I was thrilled .
The next week is when the complications started.. I had nausea all day and all night.. this lasted for the first 11 weeks I barely kept water down and my husband would have to help me downstairs and I was getting dizzy spells all the time.. I had to ring in sick to work .I felt some cramping that same week (7) and put this down to stretching but then I started to bleed . The bleeding did not stop so I rang the hospital and they told me to come into the ER . I was driven to the hospital and all the time I just kept thinking I’m losing this baby. I had myself mentally prepared for this news. We got to the hospital and I had a work up done by the ER staff. I was still cramping on my right side and still having what seemed to be a light period. I waited for 2 or so hours to be seen by the ER staff. They scanned me and said that they could not see anything.. go back to the waiting area and drink more water. I tried to explain that I have very bad cramps on my lower right side and having a bladder full of water is very painful and uncomfortable. I was told that I wouldn’t have to wait as long so I should be ok, true enough I was seen again a hour later where there was a different doctor in the ER and when she scanned me she could see a faint heartbeat. I was so relived, but because I was still bleeding and cramping I had to be admitted to go to the EPAU the next morning,
The next morning I was scanned in the EPAU unit and during this scan they saw that I had bleeding behind where the baby was developing and they also had found a cyst on my right ovary . But they confirmed that the baby had a heart beat. I was booked into the EPAU unit every two weeks to monitor the bleeding , cyst and baby obviously ..
At I think it was around the 9 week mark and had another scan in the EPAU unit . During this scan they confirmed that I still had a bleed and the cyst had increased in size by 6 cm. But the baby’s heartbeat was fine and was measuring on track, I was told to keep off my feet as much as possible till my next appointment and if the bleeding got any heavier to come back to the ER .
At I think it was 10/11 weeks I bleed heavily, to which my husband left work and brought my straight to the hospital, again all the way in the car preparing ourselves for what we thought was the inevitable.
I was scanned in the ER to my shock I was told that there was still a heartbeat and the baby was fine. I was so happy .
Before the bleeding had finally stopped at 12 weeks I had about 10 scans for the baby and to monitor the growing cyst on my right ovary. When I met with my consultant she told me that I would have to have the cyst removed after 16 weeks, so myself and my husband decided not to tell anyone till after this was done and I was completely out of the woods. I was scanned dating scan at 13 weeks and the baby had a very strong heartbeat and we were soo happy and relieved and like that we area over the hurdle of 12 weeks. We are on the home stretch now …
Two weeks later I had to have another scan to monitor the cyst , I was in my sixteenth week and this appointment was to book me in for the removal of the cyst operation. While scanning the cyst the consultant just said “ sure we just check on baby while we’re here” .
I remember looking at the screen and thinking I don’t see the flutter where is it.. I looked at my consultants eyes as she tried to move the ultrasound thingy ? Around my tummy . Then She said “ I’m concerned here”.
She didn’t have to say anymore I knew what she was going to say, .. I remember her saying that it might be the ultrasound machine as it was an old one and she was sending me down to the ultrasound department, I started crying straight away. We had to walk out past all the waiting couples to get their scans.. me with huge black tears rolling down my face . My husband trying to cover me from the stares I was getting and I remember I over heard someone say “ oh god they must have gotten bad news” .
We went down to the ultrasound department and were ushered in immediately , down to the very back room . I was seen by the senior sonographer and the minute she placed the Device over my stomach and the baby came up on the screen I started crying . I just knew the baby had no heartbeat. He had stopped growing around the 13 weeks mark, so a few days after the dating scan with the strong heartbeat, his heart just stopped,
I was numb. I couldn’t walk, they wanted me walk back down to the anti Natel clinic but I asked if the consultant could come to me which she did, I had an amazing consultant, she sat up on the bed beside me like a best friend and told me how sorry she was. This all happed on a Wednesday , I was told that I would have to come back to be admitted on the Friday for medical miscarriage. I begged and begged to be admitted that same day as I couldn’t go home knowing the baby was dead in me. But I was sent home and stayed in bed till Friday morning till I was admitted to St. Gerard’s ward in the Coombe .
I know I have gone on a Good bit already but il be as brief as I can with some of the details.
Within a hour of being admitted for the medical miscarrige , myself and my husband were visited by the hospital Chaplin who proceeded to ask us where we wanted the baby buried and the hospital would supply a little white coffin, this completely threw myself and my husband as we did not know what to expect but it certainly was not this. We had no idea that we would have a baby to bury .. this really hit home for me that I was about to give birth to my dead baby. I was petrified and did not know what to expect .
To start off I was giving a komode to use instead of using the toilet as it was highly like that I would give birth to the baby while on loo.
I was giving 4 rounds of the medication that’s inserted to your vagina ( sorry can’t remember the name of it) but this didn’t start anything . I had to have this every 4 or 6 hours and then after a certain time I had to have a break for 24 hours.
I was admitted on the Friday morning and by Sunday afternoon there was still nothing happening so I was giving the medication orally. This then started some bleeding and cramping for which I had to be given some pain relief for. This didn’t have a good effect on me and my poor husband had to help me to the Komode every 30 mins or so and help me back into bed. I was bleeding heavily by 6 pm , and while again sitting on the Komode to take a wee I passed the biggest blood clot. I felt it and screamed to my husband to see if it was the baby as couldn’t bring myself to look. When he said no that it was just a clot , he helped me off the Komode and while I was standing up I felt something come out of me.. I winced and grabbed on to his arms, he looked and said he could see something and he left me on the Komode and called the midwives in, the midwife came straight over and took a maternity pad and placed it hovering between my legs. Another midwife and my husband helped me off the Komode and onto the bed, this whole time I had my head buried in my husbands chest because I wasn’t petrified I would see the baby’s dead body.
I was put onto the bed and the midwife told me to push and I did to which a massive thing passed. I was wailing this whole time with my head buried into my husbands chest petrified of seeing the baby. Then I remember having a steel / metal instrument like big tweezers placed dangling between my legs .. I was told that the baby was out but the placenta did not detach. So I had to give it a bit of time to see if I could push it out myself , I’m not sure how much time passed but I was not able to push it out myself. I was giving oxytoxin ( used for inductions) to try and get my body to expel the placenta. I was on a mild pain relief at this time and I had full blown labour contractions for approx 4 hours. I remember having the pillow soaked in tears as they were constant and excruciating. I remember thinking why am I going through this, ? Why am I going through labour when I know there is no baby at the end of this.
this has haunted me to this day,
After I think 4 hours I had enough of the contractions and my husband asked the midwife for pain relief for me to which I was giving pethadine. This had the most awful effect on me and once again I had to be lifted onto the Komode which was now beside my bed and ended up passingly a blood clot the size of a melon. Still no placenta. My husband told me what happened next as I only came to when I was on a trolley on my way to emergency surgery.
After I passed the blood clot I passed out, I had been bleeding since giving birth and with this massive clot I Had lost a massive amount of blood. I was checked by the surgeon on call and she ordered blood pressure to be taken immediately. My bloods pressure was on the floor and she said that she’s had to try a manual extraction of the placenta. I vaguely remember this happening but I remember the cold feeling and pain. Think of a smear with a torch and a massive mental instrument like a tweezers instead of the swab… so this didn’t work and I was sent up for surgery to have the placenta removed . They hadn’t realized how much blood I had lost so I had to have a blood transfusion also. I remember coming to on the trolley on the way to the OT and I remember still having contractions before I was put to sleep.
I was discharged on Tuesday and back to the hospital on Friday to collect and to bury our baby in little angels in Glasnevin.
I had so many blood tests done and the hospital were still not able to tell me why this had happened,
The consultant wanted me to come back to hospital ASAP to have the cyst removed as one of their blood test showed possible signs of tumorous cells. I had the cyst removed and was kept over night again in The same ward with women having miscarriages on both sides of me.
We had to wait a few months to get the all clear but I have to best honest they were the most awful just waiting to be told I do or don’t have cancer on top of everything else w had been through .
I went through the worst experience of my life and to this day I am still in counseling to deal with the flashbacks with trauma and PTSD symptoms and complete breakdown that I have been going through since March . This experience has completely changed me .
My work have been extremely supportive and I am very lucky but I know I need to get back to work and my routine as fast as possible,
I hope that this is not a boring post to people but this is the first time since the miscarriage that I have put my story in writing,
Thank you for listening to itAugust 27, 2019 at 11:28 pm #163897
Oh Ccboobie, I am so sorry for your loss. You are so right when you say that everyone’s experience is different and I can understand why you would feel angry and upset at anyone assuming they had the same experience as you and your husband. Your trauma was awful and you are entitled to grieve for your baby. And not just your baby but all the hopes and dreams you had for your future with your baby as part of it.
I hope writing this down has helped a little.
I felt very angry after my first miscarriage at 12.5 weeks, I was angry at the hospital, the doctors who I felt hadn’t looked after me, with the friends who didn’t call, with the people who crossed the street to avoid me and to the people who said the wrong thing. I wanted to scream when someone said ‘it wasn’t meant to be’!!
That infuriated me.
You can be angry and upset and you can cry as much as you want to, you and your husband have suffered a great loss and while time helps with healing you’ll never forget and may never stop feeling that loss.
I wish I could give you a hug, so sending you a virtual one.
Not sure if this will help you but I saw a counsellor after our first miscarriage and she advised me to keep a diary and write all my feelings into it.
I poured my heart into that diary and it was very therapeutic.
Maybe that might be something you could do?
The miscarriage association were very helpful to us, they are at http://www.miscarriage.ie and everyone who volunteers there has been through miscarriage so they do understand
We planted a tree and bush in our back garden in memory of our 2 lost babies and even now, years later I feel sad looking at them but they are kind of comforting too. I often see my husband touch the tree when he’s cutting the grass, it’s his way of remember our babies.
Please keep sharing how are feeling, hopefully it might help a little.
Thinking of you.August 27, 2019 at 11:35 pm #163898
Each year in November the miscarriage association host a non-denominational remembrance mass. Anyone who has been through a miscarriage is welcome, whether you are religious or not doesn’t matter.
It’s a beautiful, poignant service with lovely music and tea and biscuits after. The thing is, everyone in the room is dealing with the pain and loss and it’s kind of nice to be in a room where we are all grieving. Everyone grieves in their own way but we found this service a really nice way to honour and remember our babies.
This book might help too ‘We lost our baby’ on Amazon.
Take care and be kind to yourself. XAugust 30, 2019 at 11:10 am #163905ccboobieParticipant
Thank you Sabbie , each day gets a little easier . My main goal now is to get myself back to work and my routine again . Thanks I’ll look into that mass .September 7, 2019 at 4:57 pm #163947
Its a mass but not a holy kind of mass if you know what I mean – its more about being in a room with other people who have suffered a loss and remembering our babies. There is music and also, tea and coffee afterwards. I remember the first time we went, we felt awkward going in but soon realised it was actually a nice way to honour our babies memory.
It felt like we were acknowledging our baby and we were in a place where it was ok to do that. and it was ok to cry and be sad.
I suppose its therapeutic and maybe it might help you. its a fair bit away and I hope by then you’ll be feeling a bit better. It takes time so please be kind to yourself. If you feel like snuggling up on the sofa with a hot chocolate in your pajamas and having a duvet day, do it. It is such a huge loss in your life and its ok not to be ok.
Please write down how you are feeling, whether its on here or in a diary, it helps to get the feelings out.
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