Help with a teenage son.

[ambs]

My son seems at times to have lost all respect for me and the family. He is 15 and the eldest of 4 children. He will go out in the evening and we wont know where he is and have no control over him. The lads he is hanging around with, i know there is cannabis involved. When he is in good form, there is nobody like him but for instance, like this morning when he decided he didnt want to go to school, i get called all sorts of names, in front of the younger children. When he didnt go to schoool one day last week, we told him he was grounded, he just walks straight out the door. We took his phone during the summer as on the day we were due to go on holiday he decided he didnt want to come, this as a result ended with hours of screaming and shouting,him breaking a door, an xbox game and a mirror, the other 3 children getting upset and then the holiday ruined. He showed no remorse at all. I love him to bits but just need help at this stage as i dont want this to escalate and for him to choose a bad path that he wont be able to come back from. thanks for any advice that someone can give.

[Jedt]

I am so sorry you are going through this ambs. it sounds really upsetting and stressful. Hopefully Allen, the Mumstown parenting coach, will have some good advice for you to help you deal with this.

We have an 11 year old son who is starting to get very stroppy and upset when things do not go his way and he does not want to come anywhere with us anymore and when we tell him he has to – because we cannot leave him at home, he is only 11 – it results in some arguments and him having the odd tantrum. I am hoping this is normal tween behaviour and that it will settle down as he gets older.

Aside from this – how is everything else? How does he get on with his siblings? Hopefully its just a phase and he will grow out of it.

[libby1]

Hi

You need to gain his respect and find out where he is going, i would not put up with that behaviour from him. I understand that he wants to do what his friends are up too but he is only 15.

I would sit down and talk to him and find a common ground and work from that, Do you spend time with him on 1:1 activities – playing pool / pitch and putt, find out his likes and give him time.

If you cannt talk to him get somebody else – community gardai / someone from the school etc // a family member who he might respect.

All children have tanturms if they get away with it..
I have a 16yr old boy and a 13 yr old girl… Its team work.

Best of luck

[CA Coaching]

So sorry to hear that you are having to deal with these issues ambs. I truly believe that 14/15 are the toughest ages there are for both teens and parents. Many parents experience similar situations to yours where their children apparently lose respect for them and it seems almost impossible to overcome.

I think libby has given some really good advice. If you have good times with your son, do something together where the focus isn’t directly on your son. You can talk about how you things are in general and how they are for you. Also, getting a local community garda or youth worker (or another trusted adult) to talk to him can be helpful.

Something that has worked for parents/teens I’ve worked with in the past is to get a notebook. In this notebook you write to your son from your perspective. It’s not about blaming him or his behaviour but more how his behaviour makes you feel (I feel scared when there is violence in the home, I feel worried for my other children that they are learning bad habits, I worry that something has happened to you when you don’t come home on time, I want us to all live in a happy home etc). You can leave it on the kitchen table, and explain it to your son (when things are going well – it’s there just for the times you are struggling) and ask him to reply to it (and reiterate that its not about blaming anyone).

It can be a very powerful tool.

I hope this is of some help. Please feel free to PM me and we can explore more options.

Allen

[Author]

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