Home › Forums › National Chat › Feeling like Im not coping…
- This topic has 9 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 12 years ago by pookie2.
February 26, 2011 at 12:04 pm #11184joelouMember
Sos in advance for the long rant but Im at my wits end and I dont know what to do. Im new the website and Im not sure if this is even the right forum so please forgive me if its not.
I am a sahm to 2kids. DS(5) and DD(3). I am off work with depression for the past few months. My ds has adhd and odd and attends a special needs school whilst dd is at home with me.
I dont know how to cope with ds anymore. He is so difficult he goes again the grain all the time. He whinges incessently from morning till nite. He is constantly getting into things he should not be finds trouble with everyday situations for example if I leave him alone in the kitchen he will be opening the fridge, presses, climbing this is everyday and everytime. We have the back yard fenced off and its quite big but I cannot take my eyes off him for a second as he is always trying to get out of the yard and will use any means possible. If its a bad day and I keep the doors locked to keep him in he has on several occasions gotton out the bedroom window on me. These are just a few examples of how he tests the boundries.
I have tried every form of disapline, nothing works he will go straight back and do the same thing again.
He is on melatonin for sleep which knocks him out in the evenings but he still wakes anything from 6-8 times a night.
We had his bloods done about 2months ago to see if he will suit to be put on Ritalin during the day still waiting on results from same.
He winds me up so much and he knows it and smirks at me when I try to disapline him.
I am at the stage where I feel I dont like him anymore and it kills me. My dh is trying his best to help me but he works full time and I hate worrying him but he is worried about me.
All my life all I have wanted is to be a mother but I feel like such a failure! Every little thing ds does bugs me I am constantly loosing my temper and screaming at him (totally wrong I know)
There is no support out there. He attends enable Ireland for speech and language therapy and I seen the psychologist in there but he only talks to me and makes suggestions on what I could do nothing works!
None of my family offer to help us out in anyway with him as he is so difficult.
Surely its not normal for a mother to feel this way about their child. I feel so alone.
Sorry if its a bit all over the place I just had to get it out….February 26, 2011 at 1:11 pm #110521FabienneMember
I couldn’t read and not reply.
I don’t have any experience or advice on the subject.
I do understand how you’ve reach the limit you can cope with.
It’s very very difficult when you need help and can’t get it.
Could you not get a minder for one afternoon a week, so he’s in own house and under someone else care.
Even if it means you have to get a low paid job to pay for those 2/3 hours.
Or a mature au-pair evenfor few weeks, few au-pairs will stay longer if too difficult, but you’ll get some temporary relief.
You need to find some time for you, to have a personal social life.
Maybe when your husband is home, go to the gym , meet friends for cup of tea.
I know you would like to be able to relax in your own home, not to have to go out, feeling you’re nearly kicked out.
Maybe getting some help in the house to mind him so yo can for couple of hours you can feel like a relaxed stay at home mum and spend some quality time with your daughter.
I’m sure many mumstown users will post great practical advices.
Best of luck, I do understand and hope you’ll find some help.
FabienneFebruary 26, 2011 at 1:32 pm #110522magsBMember
Pm sent…hope this helpsFebruary 26, 2011 at 5:38 pm #110534beamsMember
Gosh you are having a very tough time Joelou …..from reading your post i dont blame you for feeling the way you do about your DS – its not your fault and a total human response to such a difficult situation. You prob need some time on your own out of that situation maybe once a week – a night out , a coffee out with a friend on a Sat afternoon when your DH is home from work – you need some time for yourself to get your head together so that you can go home again and deal with your DS as best as YOU can …..i dont have any experience of your situation and it sounds very tough but do try to get time on your own away from thehome….you will be a better Mum for it 😀February 27, 2011 at 10:16 am #110546MoonflowerMember
as with other girls i have no experience first hand but have had conversations with people in a similar situation as you & i can tell you they say exactly the same as you do and feel the same, & also what surprises me is the lack of help from relatives??? i wonder why this is often the case as well..they probably dont understand the severity & are afraid of helping…
I can only imagine how much stress you must be under but by typing how you feel on here is a way of reaching out for help & by doing thsi things can only improve….
so sending you my thoughts & understanding…
all I can suggest is a technique that I have tried in past called Emotional Freedom Technique..for you…it is not for your DS but may help you cope a little better..it involves tapping on certain points on your body to help yourself cope when times get tough…and when you see a therapist you tap to release negative emotions…& during these sessions it is perfectly ok to say outloud how you are feeling with resentments towards your DS & of course the people who should be there to help you…it helps you accept its perfectly normal to have these feelings….this is only an idea i am sure there are many other forms of help that are out there for you & your family as well..but its such a shame that its only when you feel you are getting to end of line that they are offered to you…
thinking of you,
Moonflower xxFebruary 27, 2011 at 11:16 am #110549scotsmumMember
firstly im glad u found this site, its a great place for a rant and some useful support and advice!! so no need to apologise for the rants, iv had plenty here too!
sorry to hear things are so strained at home, you certainly have ur hands full! i have no personal experience but i work as a play therapist/family support worker in the city and have many clients who have adhd/odd and your certainly not alone in your feeling like you cant take much more! the kids that come to me some of them really respond to the therapy and others take a bit longer but from feedback i know the parents enjoy the hours peace n quiet and they also like having me to rant to and share their anxiety and i do my best to listen and give support when i can!
are there any other mothers from ds school that u could talk to or maybe the school could offer some help? its a shame your family arent more involved as that would also ease the pressure on you, like someone else said a minder for a few hours would do you good, we all need some time out now and then but i suppose its finding someone u trust to handle your son too??
ill have a think and maybe pm you some ideas i use in play therapy sessions with the kids that u might b able to try at home? anything worth a try i suppose!
all the best xFebruary 27, 2011 at 12:27 pm #110551FabienneMember
There is a childminder here who post sometimes.
Her name is karendervan, I don’t know if she’ll be interested or even if you want a childminder few hours a week (or once off) or even for a odd night out with your husband.
She is brilliant ( young grandmother), with experience and patience of an angel.
I’m not saying that just because she’s also my friend. It’s because it’s true.
She’s in eastmeath.
But keep it in mind.
Hope you’ll get the help you need.
And talking about it is always good.
thinking of you.
FabienneFebruary 27, 2011 at 2:32 pm #110556lizMember
HI hope you feelin a bit better after that 😀 you know sometimes things arnt always what we expect them to be you said you always wanted to be a mother and now you have been put into an extremely tough parenting position this experience is going to shape you into the mother you want to be but this takes time and lots of challenges.and you are coping your reaching out to people i hope you go a step futher with this and go to a councellor i believe everything happens for a reasonand you and your little man are on a journey together hes pusin you and your pushing him along. last bit of advice go for a run or put on some music and dance your heart out just do something to try and burn up some of that stress and stop being so hard on yourself x this just right on front of me as i type
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First off , this is not a case of child behaving badly cos he wants to – u sad uself he has been diagnosed with add?/hd? So, it is a neurological condition and thus NOT YOUR FAULT. I t is v easy to fall into the trap of thinking u r a bad parent when something like this comes into ur life, but u have to remind uself u r doing the best u can with limited resources.
u do love u son, just not his behaviour, so don’t beat uself up. I am a mother of SN child and I know its not so easy to just get a childminder/relative/tutuor to come in and take over while u get some "me" time, its trite to suggest it is. The problem with that, i know, is not that u fret about twhether u child is ok while u away, rather u fret about how the childminder is coping.
R u on fb? there are a lot of expereinced mothers in there in groups who will offer you immedaite and experienced advice.
I live in a house of locked doors and windows too, ds has got onto the roof before now, and he would constantly be opening the fridge, cupboards, throwing a whole toilet roll down bowl, stripping off running into the garden, dancing in puddles and coming back into the house just to see his footprints on the tiles, all that kinda stuff too. i just accept it, unless its dangerous, becuse hes not doing it maliciously, hes doing it because its a sensory thing/he has a neurological condition. But i facilitate him. me and dh do handover. I know, that if ds is in my care, thats ALL i do in those moments. i dont try do doshes, iron, make a meal etc, i JUST have my eye on him. Thats because i gave up on the idea that I ought to be able to have my eye on him AND do all those things simultaneously too, because \\i had benn able to operate like that with my dd – ds is different, i just had to accept that. once yo do, u stop setting up unrealistic expectations fpr you and him.
U also need to make the behaviour u want from him more rewarding for him to do, and the behaviour you don’t want, least rewarding. NEVER get into a debate with him, explain, you do x, you will get y (+), or if you do a, then b will happen (-) and STICK to it. if you a re not religious about sticking top these, all u end up doing is teaching him that ONE time, this bad behaviour MIGHT get me what I want if I stick hard enough at it, it did, xxxx weeks/days/months ago.
hthFebruary 27, 2011 at 7:23 pm #110561pookie2Member
I haven’t a SN child, but I’m a Learning Support teacher &, believe me, you’re not alone in how you feel.
Just a couple of points:
You have depression – I’ve had it & so has my hubby. One side-effect is that people with depression often blame those around them, in an attempt to understand / justify why they feel so bad themselves. I’m not having a go at you – I did it, & so did my dh. Are you going to counselling? Onanti-depressants? Contact Aware helpline for chat & advice on local support groups. Rather than looking at it from the point of view that your ds has given you depression, maybe it is the depression that is making it extra hard to deal with ds at the moment.
(Is it possible that you have a form of post-natal depression???? Just wondering…)
You need to put yourself first – I’m dead serious. You feel that you aren’t a great mother right now, but I guarantee you are the best mum YOUR kids will ever have. No one cares more about them than you do. They need you. And if you end up having a breakdown, who will mind them then??? YOU need to put YOU first.
Tackle your relatives, get the hubby to tackle his. Set up a schedule. Even a committment of an hour every month or two or three from a few people would give you something to look forward to.
Check with charites that provide respite. Any possibility there? HES??? prob not, but who knows.
Could your hubby let you out for a walk / coffee with a friend for an hour or two a couple of times a week??
Would your son (and you) be able to cope with something like Fitkids – it is basically running around in an open room (from 2yrs up) for an hour. You could see him at all times and there is usually only one exit. There is relatively little he could get up to that the others aren’t already doing…. It could give you a breather for an hour, maybe not now, but when you are feeling better in yourself.
My 2 & 4 year old ds1&2 haven’t SN but they raid the fridge, flood the bathroom, block the toilet, paint the curtains & ‘experiment’ with flour if I take my eyes off them for a second. And I’m fit to murder them… might rant at them…. occassionally think I dislike them intensely… but that’s just part of being a mother of boys. I understand that you’re situation is extreme – & I really do understand how it seems that he does it on purpose just to rile youat times, but chances are he isn’t. You just feel like a lot of mums of boys – fit to kill them at times….
Most mums want to be perfect, but its a myth. We’re not perfect people & neither are our kids. All we have to be is ADEQUATE – not brill, not fab, just GOOD ENOUGH. See how no one here is giving out to you??? We get where you’re coming from – and rant away!!! It is good to get things off your chest!
Also, you are chronically sleep deprived – is there any chance that you & the hubby could get away for even a night – and sleep in???? Worth any money. And I speak from experience. Just one full night of sleep can recharge you physically & psychologically for quite a while….
There go my three again – how long does it take them to go to sleep…… All I want is a cuppa!!!!
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