Does this make me a bad mum?
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haileysmum it’s nobody’s business but your’s & your hubbys to hell with what anyone else thinks – as long as you guys are happy and comfortable with your decision so be it
i was 35 having dd1 but had always said if i have one i’ll have (hopefully) another and we did go on to have dd2 – we got lots of comments on whether we’d try for a boy!!!!!!!!! – i think no matter what you’re family is someone out there feels the right(wrongly!) to comment on wether you should/shouldn’t have more try for a girl/boy etc etc BUT at the end of the day it is entirely up to you & yourhubby!!!!!!!!!
oh and btw off course you’re not a bad mum – it’s very obvious from your posts that you adore your dd and are a fab mum!!!!
After much consideration we have made the decision that Hailey will be our only child. In coming to this decision A lot of people have said it is very mean to have her as an only child. Things that have been said is she wont have anyone when we are dead & gone (but I hope that by that stage she will have a partner & maybe her own family).
the main reasons for coming to the decision are-
My age (more likelihood of things going wrong the older I get).What happened with Hailey being so ill when born (fear of it happening again)
I found pregnancy very difficult (had every problem under the sun)
money is tight already (unable to afford another child)
Just wondering are there any other mums of one child that planned it that way? & if they have any regrets they didn’t have more? or if their only child wishes that they had siblings? or are they happy on their own?.
Thanks in advance for any replys
You have every right to decide what is best foryou and your family and if you do not want to have any more children, then you are entitled to make that decision.
It really bugs me when people (i.e. busybodies who have no right to interfere) tell you what you should or should not do; they feel they can butt into your life and tell you what’s what!
We had the opposite issue, when we unexpectedly got pregnant and lost that baby a few years after our 3rd child was born (who we thought had been our last baby) people said that maybe it was for the best because it might have been too hard to manage 4 children. At that time, my heart was broken – even though we had not planned that baby, losing the baby was terribly sad for us. Even though we were working and were pretty busy with 3 little people, we would never have wished to lose that baby.
After we went through that miscarriage, we had gotten used to the idea of another baby in the family and we decided we would be lucky if another baby came along and luckily for us she did and as I type this, she is sitting here eating her dinner in front of me. (well, I say eating, she is spilling food everywhere!!!)
The point is – it is nobody’s else’s business to tell you (or me) how many babies we should or should not have.
It was our decision to try again after that miscarriage and even though we did not initially set out to have 4 babies when we got married, this is how its worked out for us and we are very happy with our lot. Some people may think we are mad but we don’t care, we are really happy with our family.
You obviously dote on Hailey and if you are happy and your partner is happy and she is happy, that is all that matters. You went through alot to have her and it is clear she is very precious to you.
Of course its natural that you would be afraid after what happened last time so as long as you are content with your decision and are not worried you might regret it later on in life, then you should stick to what your gut tells you and never mind anyone else sticking their nose in!
I totally agree with Sabbi.Some People feel they have to have to give their opinion.when we had two a boy and girl and then went on to have a third,a few people said when i announced the third pregnancy ah but sure you have a boy and a girl the perfect family. it was like they were saying why would u bother having another.!!! Whether a coupe decide to have none,one or ten children is nobodys concern other than the couple themselves and as long as you are both happy with your decision dont listen to anyone.Children need a loving nurturing environment and you are providing that to Hailey.Thats all that matters.i think the argument that she needs siblings for when your dead and gone is nonsensical.she will have friends ,probaby her own family. h
Previous comments actually sum up my thoughts on this but it makes me so angry that anyone should comment or offer an opinion on how many children you and your partner choose to have. People feel they have a right (because they are family or friends or because they are older than you or seen a bit of life) to comment on such things when they have no right at all. Your relationship and your family is your business and you choose how many and when you have children. For too long women have listened to church, family, etc about what is right for them you know what is right for you and you and your partner get to make this decision. You have decided that as a parent you will give all your energy to your daughter and that makes you a fantastic mum.
Is entirely your decision.
like Sabbi, I’m in the opposite position. I had four children at the ages of 35, 37, 39 & 41. Lots of people stick their noses in – after babies 2, 3 & 4 both my mum & sister (among others) have told me not to have any more, to change my contraception & not ‘let’ it happen again (as if I’m some careless twit). When we told my sis-in-law we were expecting no. 4, she said ‘why would anyone want a gang of kids?’ (Congratulations would have been more appropriate).
Hailey, it is your decision entirely – we’ve had to wrestle with those issues ourselves….
For us, we’re just ignoring the money situation. We’ll manage – clothes are passed down & exchanged between cousins etc, but I’m from a family of six, so no news there!
We’ve wrestled with theage issue ourselves – and probably won’t go again, partly for that reason. But there’s never a guarantee of a healthy baby, whatever your age….
I’m lucky, neither I nor the babies had any health issues…
Everyone to their own….
I’m from a family of 5 and it was always a case of hand-me-downs too but it never bothered us either back then. We had a very happy childhood and i think thats why we ended up with a fairly big family ourselves. I think inrecent times the hand-me-down kind of way of doing things became uncool when people had more money but now that we are all skint again, its back to using left overs and passing down clothes & toys etc and its an ok thing to do again! Does not bother me at all TBH.
I remember when we were pregnant with our 4th baby we were a bit nervous about telling family and friends because we had heard some comments after our miscarriage about it being best for us to stop at 3!! We got some congrats and some almost condolences. I remember being so angry at some people with how they reacted but at the end of the day, its our family and its us who is raising them and we don’t exactly have a busy social life, so it does not impact on our family that much really!
As long as we’re happy and we are, that’s all that matters.
Same for you Haileysmum, as long as you are happy and content with your decision, that’s all that matters! 😀
Thanks for all your replies ladies & for your kind words of encouragement.
I am from a family of 3 & so is my partner,so i sometimes fear i am depriving her of sibling friendship but I dont think having another child just so your child can have a sibling is reason enough……i think our reasons not to try again are valid reasons but people make you question & doubt yourself with their comments.
Your support is appreciated 😀
Go with your gut and you cannot go wrong. I think so many times we ignore what our gut tells us and we live to regret that. Your instincts will tell you what the right thing is for your family. Never mind what anyone else says.
Last comments Haileysmum – and then I’ll shut up, promise….
If that’s your decision, absolutely fine – and good luck to you etc. 😀
But … sometimes things change. I remember telling my DH when DS1 was a baby that I hoped he liked his son coz there wouldn’t be another one. (I was exhausted, we were struggling in all areas…) Then two years later I changed my mind and had another … and two years later another … and two years later another… I’d keep the decision fairly private …. just in case you ever want to change your mind…
No two situations are the same….
My friend has only one child for medical reasons – and she is not a bit deprived, very close to her cousins etc….
However, a friend married a German who was an only child, and both his parents were only children & when his dad died in his 50s, I felt so sorry for him – no aunts, uncles, cousins or siblings to support him. My friend tried, but had no shared memories of growing up with the dad etc.
I used to row with my siblings sometimes too since we grew up, we are very close and but I know I can lean on them when I’m in a jam. My kids also drive each other nuts now that they are little and there are days when I want earplugs but I hope they’ll grow out of it too!!
its not always par for the course that having a sibling guarantees that your child will have someone else to share there life with!!. tbh for various reasons including personality differences and that there is a good gap over 10yrs im the youngest.my eldest brother practically reared me in the early yrs he is 20yr older. i dont really have much contact with my brothers now and my sister died a few years ago.my bros are the last port of call for anything unless its about our mam and dad. i get on very well with my sisters and brothers in laws and i have very good close friends and of course my husband
.I look at my children now and they get on so well and are very close and i really hope as adults this will also be the case but its not a guarantee.just like with any friendship or relationship, so don;t let that be a deciding factor.but as the last poster said maybe its not a final decision you have to make right now is it as your little one is still very young?Donomum 3 ,Hailey has just gone 18 months old.My reason for making the decision now is in a few years i feel i will be too old to have a kid,so i was making the decision for the future if you know what i mean.
Also i know having siblings doesnt guarantee friendship.my older sister & i barely speak from one end of the year to the next but my younger sister is my best friend.
I think maybe for us it is right to stay as we are as a family of 3 & our dog of course makes 4! 😆
Its you and your DH’s decision… doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.
Its a big decision to say no more, but you shouldn’t feel that you need to explain your reasons to anyone.
Nowadays the age factor isn’t as big a deal I think, as people are healthier nowadays, if people feel they are older they seem to have their children closer together!
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