Birth & Death

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  • #15620
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Due baby soon & delighted. But close friend also dying from cancer. D-day for both about the same time. So all mixed up.

    Will probably still be on maternity leave in the aftermath of friend’s death. Looking for advice from anyone who lost a partner at a relatively young age (kids late teens). Is there anything that I could do now – or after – to help his widow / kids? At the min I text every week to say I’m available for errands or anything else (family not up to visits at min), but don’t want to intrude.

    Also, considering how close both events could happen, would calling the new baby after him be upsetting / insensitive? Just wondering what you think

    #126599
    Jedt
    Member

    maybe use it as a middle name? not sure about calling after the person, as if you call baby after him it will always be a reminder of the person but as a middle name it would be lovely tribute to the person.

    my uncle died when I was pregnant with my daughter and if she had been a boy, would have given her his second name. however, a close family also friend also died when l was pregnant with her, so we gave her the middle name Lily, to honour her memory.

    hth and try not to get too heavily involved if possible, l know its hard but you have to look after yourself at the moment and put baby first.

    so sorry for you that this is happening when you should just be relaxing and excited about baby’s arrival and not worrying about something so awful.

    #126600
    munchin
    Participant

    Hi Pookie so sorry to hear this happening at all but especially at such a special time for your family. I’m inclined to agree with Sabbi and think that if you really want to use the name to use it as a middle name – if either of my girls had been a boy they would have had their uncle’s name as a middle name – it was partly through his diaganosis with cancer that dh & i met. myself & dh had agreed on this long before we even tried for a baby. My best friend was in that position in that she was 6months pregnant when her father died – she felt under pressure to call her child after him if it was a boy but altough she said she would she really didn’t want to……..turns out she had a girl in the end.

    As for what to do – think all you can do is be there and let them know you’re around, it’s hard to know what the right thing to do is but i think the best is to let them know you’re around and willing to help and if they need it /want it they will hopefully ask. As Sabbi said too though your priority has got to be you and babs.

    #126603
    pookie2
    Member

    Also my gut feeling about the name if it is a boy.

    My friend didn’t smoke or drink to excess, wasn’t overweight, got plenty of exercise, wasn’t stressed, ate well, minded his health – but from diagnosis to this point has been rapid (months not years). Still shocked & emotional / hormonal(?).

    #126604
    Jedt
    Member

    My uncle was only 44, he was laughing andjoking with us all at a family get together one lovely afternoon but within 6 months of that happy get together, he had died. He was a smoker but not a heavy one – so for us, it was a big shock. We had barely found out he was even ill and all of a sudden, he was gone. My poor grandparents could not take it in, it was such a terrible shock to them.

    His wife was absolutely devastated and 6 months later, she had a massive brain hemorrhage and died in her sleep. That was appalling too. Their daughter found herself an orphan at the age of 14. We all look out for her even now but she has had it so tough since they died. An awful shame for them, still cannot believe it some days to be honest.

    It’s very hard when something like this happens when you are pregnant. I find pregnancy can be a very reflective time when you think alot about the world around you and ponder what kind of a world you are bringing a baby into so of course, its natural to feel very upset and emotional but also, with pregnancy hormones added into the mix, that makes it even harder to deal with.

    I remember when I was having my 3rd baby and my Granddad, who I absolutely adored, passed away. I was the 1st grandchild and he had doted on me since I was born – and I was devastated as his passing but I was also trying not to cry and be too upset, thinking about my unborn baby. A few months after he had died and our baby girl had been born safely, I got a birthday card in the post and for the first time in my life it said ‘From Nanny’ – instead of ‘Nanny & Grandad’ like l was used to. Well, I cried and cried the whole day, I was inconsolable. I think I had pent up all those tears when he died for fear of upsetting my unborn baby and the grief came later instead.

    Its a terrible thing that’s happening to your friend and of course you can offer your support and help but try to rest up and relax as much as you can and most importantly, mind yourself and your bump. xx

    #126636
    Taylor5
    Member

    Oh that is so sad. I think the name idea is lovely…

    Everyone copes different with a death, its a journey you dont know where your going. After a death everything is new, everything that happens in your life is a milestone passed with the person you love in your life.

    Its very tricky when children are involved, they are so young and not able to cope and deal with emotions. I was 24 when my dad died and it was a huge void in my life, i never had a wedding as i couldnt cope of having a Big Day with the Biggest person in my life missing…. my cousin married 3 months after her mother died. We all cope in different ways.

    Taking photos is nice, going through old photos, talking about the person when they are gone, talk of them with love and happiness and remind those left behind of all the good memories they have and will always have. Maybe a hand casting or Sabbi got a lovely silver locket done…. a locket with his hand print for mammy to wear on a chain near her heart might give her comfort down the line.
    A Memory Diary for the Dad before he passes if he is up for it, its something that the children could have to look back on when they are older

    #127773
    pookie2
    Member

    Just to update. We gave my friend’s name to the baby as a second name. My friend got a wee kick out of that his brother told me.

    The weird thing is that I have only just realised that my baby’s time in me was bookended by the deaths of two very important people in my life. My grandmother died just before the baby was conceived (just short of her 103 birthday) & my friend died (aged just 51) when the baby was exactly five weeks old. These are the only people close to me to die in nearly 20 years.

    Sometimes life is just odd….

    Now, would it be insensitive to ask (in a few months time) his widow to be godmother? Any thoughts?

    #127774
    munchin
    Participant

    Sorry to hear of your loss pookie.
    I don’t think it would be insensitive to ask her to be godmother – maybe ask her in such a way that she can decline if she doesn’t want to do it – one on one or by phone – if you know what i mean

    #127780
    Jedt
    Member

    I agree with munchin, give her the option to say noif she is not up for it but it would be lovely to ask her.

    hope she is doing ok, must be awful for her.

    #127797
    pookie2
    Member

    Rotten for her – but she’s a tough cookie. I admire her immensely – dignified & strong….

    Youngest kid about to head off to college…. just the time when couples get time for themselves….

    He is a real loss to her & his many, many friends. He was a giver – one of those guys who was involved in everything & got stuck in to everything…. and kind – especially to a lonely blow-in like me…

    Still can’t believe he’s gone…

    I’ll talk to her in time & try & judge how she’d react. I’ve no problem with her saying no – I just wouldn’t like to distress her in any way

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