July 29, 2011 at 10:24 am #12591
This article was in yesterday’s Irish Independent, it claims there are some sure fire ways to tell if your relationship is in trouble….I’m not convinced its helpful – here is it below, what do ye think?
"Staying up late to watch television while your partner goes to bed is one of the key signs that a relationship needs attention, according to The Middle Class Handbook, an online guide to the changing habits of the middle classes.
Other indicators include one partner remaining awake, reading in bed with the light on, while the other is trying to sleep; using cost as an excuse to avoid a “date”; and answering “nothing” when asked “what is the matter?” because it is less tiring than having an argument.
Christine Northam, a counsellor working for Relate, agreed that such examples could be “indicators” that all was not well in a relationship.
“If you are genuinely interested in Newsnight, that’s fine, but if you just don’t want to go to bed because you don’t want to be with your partner, it’s not.
“I am dealing with troubled couples and they will report incidents where one is avoiding being with the other, either by watching television or going out and playing rugby.
“Avoiding is a tell-tale sign. If that is happening, you have to ask yourself why.”
Usually, the answer is that, at some level, one partner is angry with the other and does not want to be close to them, she said.
Richard Benson, who writes for The Middle Class Handbook, said some viewers of Newsnight used Paxman’s famously confrontational interviews as a “proxy” for the stresses and arguments they were avoiding in their own lives.
“If Paxman is a pressure valve for people to release emotion, through (watching) what he does, it means that the need to release that pressure has become greater than the enjoyment of being with your partner,” he said.
“It seems a sad state of affairs when Newsnight has become an indulgence.”
Further indications of relationship difficulties could be choosing to avoid arguments because they take too much effort, or feeling frustrated that one partner is “moaning about work again” instead of feeling concerned or angry on their behalf, according to the Handbook.
Mrs Northam said: “For any couple, the best way forward is always to be open and honest with one another. That is the way to avoid arguments. You don’t store up resentment, you have dealt with it quickly.
“In a good enough relationship you will both respect each other and want to know what they are feeling.”
1. Staying up late to watch TV alone
2. Reading with the light on while partner tries to sleep
3. Using cost as an excuse to avoid a date
4. Answering ‘nothing’ when asked ‘What’s the matter?’
5. Avoiding arguments because it’s too much effort
6. Feeling frustrated at partner’s work moaning rather than concerned
7. Avoiding being with each otherJuly 29, 2011 at 10:50 am #115328lellykellyMember
I think its all rubbish myself. We were in the car yesterday morning when they were going on about this on the radio and we were looking at each other thinking you do that all the time, or you’re always saying that & our marriage is far from being in trouble.
I think that they were using those examples as symptoms of much deeper problems in relationships but they are too general & too common to apply as a test to see if your relationship is in trouble. 🙂July 29, 2011 at 11:03 am #115329
Yep, we thought a lot of it was silly too but last night when we were in bed, my hubby was reading while I was trying to go asleep so I told him if he didn’t turn off the light, he was jeopardizing our marriage 😆 😆
Good for some things!! LOL!July 29, 2011 at 12:29 pm #115330BabsMember
God, I think I can answer CHECK to most of those "warning signs" and I’d think my marriage is great!!!!!!
1) I stay up to watch TV when there is a programme on that hubby has NO interest in (and equally he does that same)…I don’t want to watch all about the gas composition of the earth’s core!!!!!!!!!
2) Ilove reading in bed, so will finish my chapter when hubby is going asleep (he could sleep through anything so no harm done)…
3) Eh, we cannot afford to go out!!
4) Saying "nothing" means "everything you are doing and saying, and even your breathing"…he knows that, so there is no need to say anything else!!!!
5) After a long day minding the kids and generally watching the clock til bed time, we just don’t have the energy for an argument and sometimes sleeping on what was bugging us results in waking and seeing things very differently!!
6) It is bloody frustrating listening to your partner moaning about issues going on in his work place when you have just spent the day in battle with a toddler or a hormonal teenager!! How many silently wish they could swap places so that darling partner would have something REAL to moan about!!!!!!!!
7) I do think this one is a concern though!! Avoiding being with each other is a sure sign that something is up…unless you’re choosing instead to spend the evening with a group of girls chatting about your partners…because this is actually what keeps us sane and helps us to deal with any problems in our relationship!!!!!!
I do feel that all relationships have to be worked on, but problems certainly cannot be diagnosed from a list!! Everyone is different and everyones needs from their relationships are also different. If it works for you AND your partner, thats all that matters!!July 29, 2011 at 2:12 pm #115332chewieodieMember
If I had to go with the list, I’d have been divorced years ago 😆
and after 17 years of marriage, we are most def still going strong! 😆July 29, 2011 at 2:43 pm #115334happymumblemumParticipant
I agree we’re f****** going by that list!!!!!
My partner more often than not stays downstairs when I go to bed, I can’t get to sleep unless alone in the room and he likes to potter around doing stuff before bed , getting stuff ready for work the next day etc or fiddling with the tv and all the gadgets I can’t stand watching him do, so he does it late at night…maybe he is avoiding me 😡 🙄
Think there are more scary signs than that..and who hasn’t answered nothing when asked whats wrong?????
Whats Wrong????? Nothing ( no actually everything you are a messy pig and I am sick of picking up your socks and empty beer bottles)
Whats Wrong ???? Nothing ( actually i am fed up cos you never make me cups of tea with out me asking and you are a lazy bugger..i will choose to forget all the nice things you do for me and focus on the tea!!)
Sometimes its best to stay quiet 😆July 30, 2011 at 12:29 am #115335Taylor5Member
What a load of crap… i stay up later then dh as he gets up at 5.20am and goes to bed early.
I read in bed as it helps me fall asleep.
I think most marriages are like this, i do think if there are HUGE changes in how you both behave, well then maybe there is a sign of trouble….. or if you would choose your book over some nookie, but us women can multi task and the best of both worlds 😆 😆 😆 😆July 30, 2011 at 6:26 pm #115349
So true Babs…made me laugh there!! 😆 😆
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